would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
