i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
