Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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