i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
