Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
