The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
