i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
