Cold hands, warm shart.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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