If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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