Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
