apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i dont even know how to be here
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
