She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
