So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
