a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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