i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
