A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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