I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
