i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
