The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
