Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
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