Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
