Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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