I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
