do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
