we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
