Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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