I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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