I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
