i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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