Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
