My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
