You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
