sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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