Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
