Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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