he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
