I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
