Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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