3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
