if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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