i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
