You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Randomize
