I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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