Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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