So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
