Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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