I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
