Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
