Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just gift wrapped bread.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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