apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
